Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
