If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
