my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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