There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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