Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
