I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
