You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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