I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
