1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
