I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
