Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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