I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
People in love make me want to vomit
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
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