The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
