Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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