I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
