I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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