having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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