I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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