I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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