I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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