I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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