Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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