You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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