At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
