oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She needs sedatives and a leash
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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