you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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