my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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