I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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