OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
