I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
