Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
