So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
