i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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