i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
