Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
