I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
