I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
