At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
