You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
