so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
