I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
