I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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