New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I AM VODKA MAN
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
