You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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