Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
