I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
