I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
