I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
