his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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