I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
