Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
