how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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